Psalm 113

Praise the LORD.
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
His glory above the heavens.

Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

He seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

(ps. are you in the dust? are you in the ash heap? is He trying to place you among the princes?

i pray that i am sensitive, i pray that i am tender, Lord, help me to be. help me to see. and you, don't forget just to tell me…)

my love for you grows as He shows Love to me

"changes" ~ david bowie

Still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

"Your love is strong" ~ jon foreman

Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
.
.

from "the last memoirs"

my love sitting next to me so genuine and real
soon to be genuinely far far away
you make my day. everyday. can you
do that from seoul?
i want so much more―maybe it’s good you
are gone. make me appreciate what i had.
make me grateful for what i’m to be given
whether “good” or “bad” since He tells me
what those are anyway.
but as for you―i just want to be with you forever.

[happy anniversary, precious, you mean so much to me.]
.
. one year ago

my love for my love (month 11)

what manner, what mode shall my love for you take?
shall it be tall as the mountains, high above the seas?
shall it be steady as the streams, flowing through the trees?
what passion, what need shall my love for you wake?
shall it be fierce as the grizzly’s, departing his cave?
shall it be full as the geese, flying wind, like wave?
what virtue, what fruit shall my love for you make?
shall it be shielding as the mum, protecting her children?
shall it be smart as the beaver, relentlessly building?
what manner, what mode shall my love for you take?
it shall be true as the sunrise, warmth given all days.
it shall be firm as the earth, unmoved by life’s ways.


[as much as i wish, this is not my love all the time. turn to Him when i fail. turn to Him before i fail. i'm still being worked on.]

an english (or shakespearian) sonnet for hl

i just can’t wrap my head around the fact
you’re leaving. gone. for bad. for 1 whole year.
for months i’ll think of what this goodbye lacked
i’ll want it back―i’ll want you back, my dear
there’s never time, nor strength. for all my words
so hug, hug tight, hug long, and talk in ’10
till then it’s skype, and everything’s the LORD’s
to Him i dedicate my pad and pen
since He directs this 12-month play on stage
and we, in love, must still obey His Word
which we must trust before He’ll turn the page
to show it’s not just “us” we love the LORD.
the steps that bring us here are difficult,
but heidi, precious, trust. our love will float.

question w/out answers

can love endure pain.
pain is what makes love.
can love endure distance.
distance distorts love.
distance brings pain.
distance brings longing.

what does longing do to love?

an excerpt (intended to be posted at least 2 minutes ago)

...can you make the sun go up? can you make the sun go down?
can you make the moon go up? you make my world go round.
your laugh means you’re/makes me happy. your silence destroys.
the city light glow and twinkle; like my heart and your eyes.
the world is a world of problems
to me you are the beautiful one, the worthwhile one, the one...

then a "poor" man i'll be

believe me when i say that “sticking through it” is the wrong terminology. i’d choose something more like “laughing through it” or “loving more and more because of.” monday? monday?? the usual, the usual that is so special, the u that i have come to love, the us that makes me smile, the usual that makes me wish every day all day was all you.
but right now, on the eve AFTER your graduation, things are not working out, stupid room check again. *disgusted laugh* i am sorry you are hurt and overwhelmed and spirit slightly crushed. i’m thinking of sleeping beauty when the godmothers wave their wands to clean the house. how about i just pray for you? and pray for this summer. and next year. and…
…shoombalata.

you're my angel muffin

But you’re so busy changing the world
Just one smile and you can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
.
.

wish i had words not worries

as much as i'd like to "blame" my schedule,
as much as i'd like to "blame" lack of sleep,
as much as i'd like to "blame" stupid stomach,
i must say, babe, it is you.
i can't speak.
congrats. i can find no words. not even to write,
the ones that have been coming in the last week and change
are simply inadequate.
you'd think it's just your hand but it's so much more--
you're trusting me
~
your hand, so perfect and small, returning my squeeze
as you wink at my gaze. and though i still worry
a lot, much more than i should, about our hopeful
future together, can't help but remember where we
were a year and a half ago. incredulously...how did we
get here? we don't even know. keep in prayer, submit
to the LORD. if lacking mutual submission, our future
will fail, since stride for stride we must match Him.
LORD God set our path--provide.

6 months (part 2)

today, oh today two-twenty-five oh-nine
we made it, we did it
yes still more to come
but how far and how faithful
the past wraps up a gift.
it offers it to tomorrow
to be opened again.
again and again, the future continued
shall unwrap hope.
‘s long as the past continues to give.
~
we’re one more step!
still restraints on the form
still not quite like prose
but see beauty in lines
though short, albeit choppy
it’s worth it for now, love
to see your hand in mine
~
it’s one more freedom
i must treat it with respect
that should not be hard since
it’s YOU that i love
not the hand that i hold
i love to hold YOUR hand
because it’s YOU that i love.

6 months (part 1)

12 months ago
i was turned on my head.
left for dead.
by what i read.
your words crushed me to knees.
crying out, “please.”
yet gave us keys.
still. the door was aardvark.
we(’)re in the dark.
no place to park.
6 months ago
we said, “Let’s start for real.”
still with meter and form,
but we dropped a restraint;
for as boyfriend and girl
we had dumped the strict rhyme.
so appropriate now
was a tad more freedom.

[...to be continued tomorrow...]

...

if i am silent i hope it's because i am praying,
about next month, about next year.
if i am not online i hope it's because i am working,
on school, on growing.

1 month. until then...
three dots stand for three words...
from my heart to yours...

still

again: i feel a sort of pity for blogger.
the worst slash weakest moments it sees,
worried, most likely―”will they work it out?
will they even survive?? will they post ever again!?”
an yet, we work things out―so far, Gracefully.
no electronic record of such happenings...apologies al gore.
but our hearts is where it matters, and that is where we make up.

what else rhymes with love?
the dove from above is overused.
an inexact rhyme just doesn’t move
other words are too harsh
i’m searching for the antithesis of shove
too many cheesy lines fill my mind
like: “3 times, straight to my glove,
heidi, you are out.
out of this world.”

(like you said, “def melted sharp cheddar.”)

God, we acknowledge You as the One who is guarding and guiding us,
to You we look for direction―how fast? how far? how Father, how?

in pain

"and one of my good friends made me a whole pan of made-from-scratch brownies, and a dvd of him making them. even now, it makes me laugh thinking about it."

"i cry about those little korean kids who had to go back to homes they were not safe in. homes that they could not have fun in. and i cry at the fact that i may never see them ever again."

[after reading your blog for the first time ever. 2-3-08]
you said you weren't needed
and weren't close to any friend.
but i need you more than ever
or i need to find an end.
you cry out. i stifle and smother
i'm not God so not my place
but you curse Him for desertion
because no one looks you in the face
you question, you rhyme and sob
"am i His instrument?" i wonder.
"thru me He shows His love and care?
is waiting my biggest blunder?"
good friend? i can be the best.
smile? i can make you laugh.
reaching out? i can pull you up.
lost? walk with me this path.
i'm fighting myself
trying to act right
i want you to know
but i don't think you should
i want just to tell you
but would that be good?
moments like these
make me wanna hold your hands
make me search for your deep eyes
finding she who understands
it's your laughs
not your looks
it's your commitments
not completions
it's your abstinence
not abilities
you are beautiful to me.

[tonight, knowing that nothing is wrong between us, i'm just feeling...well, in pain]
oh and after all of this, i can be so discouraged.
oh and after all He has done, i can be so down.
i almost cried again tonight...
something i haven't done
since the 25th, since
the game
the untimely death of
no way
the man

i say i'm not worried, but is this a manifestation?
i say i am trusting, but does this show my weakness?

[my first response, so late that night. 2-25-08]
"and i’m lost and scared because this is for real
and it’s not solely me scribbling words on a paper
it’s life and it’s ?love? - is that what it’s called?"

[tonight, wondering why i question things/God]
God, i can't believe brought me almost a year,
"us" aside, God, i'm able to see what You've done,
i'm grateful and anxious, because i'm still blind.
can we hold hands while in Your hands, Lord?
can i lead in the dark, can i step out into...

[matt redman]
Your blood speaks a better word
than all the empty claims I`ve heard upon this earth
speaks righteousness for me
and stands in my defense
Jesus it`s Your blood
Your cross testifies in grace
tells of the Father`s heart to make a way for us
now boldly we approach
not by earthly confidence
it`s only Your blood

[you, on why i shouldn't like you. 2-24-08]
"if i were to keep this hidden, i would trample on
your precious, fragile heart as i always do. and i would hurt you."

[3 days ago when i came down on you for leaving as i returned. 1-8-09]
so why does it hurt that you left? (referring to when i came back and you left)
i knew you didn't want it either, so why did i make it worse when i posted those things and even the other night when i said those things that more or less questioned your love?
because it takes you till now to tell me that it was hurting you as much as it was hurting me. [referring to your email sharing your journal]

what's that? you know what i would say?! [also in reference to that email/journal]
just lik eyou knew (99.9%) that i wanted to karaoke with you?
in the same way, you are sure you know what i would say to you if you told me to make my life's decisions in the correct time without being rushed by you. ha. were these the answers you predicted, oh gifted intuitor:
-i love you (and not jobs/careers)
-you would be by my side, till death...don't make my career (into) my life
-who dictates God's plans, ways, or will but God Himself...none.

so, heididear, what is hurting you right now?
can i know so that i won't have to write this again in 2 months?


[now]
and here i am.
STILL making things hard.
STILL wondering if you are feeling the same but i won't know it till later.
STILL knowing that i will see you face-to-face and this issues in my head will melt.
STILL trusting (or what i hope to be trust)
STILL.
still.

{and as much as i wish it were true, even what we said tonight about husbands and wives rings in my eyes as i see how much we've learned since:

But maybe all of this could be fixed with three simple words.

Not 'as you wish'.

Not in french.

Not in Spanish.

But to your face.

since, though i love you more now than i ever have, not everything was fixed. nor will it ever be. nor do i truly desire that. only to live my life like He desires. to be with you if He desires. to love Him (and you) with a love that He has crushed me with. and i think there is room 42.}