on 1 Samuel 4

Such has been the spirit in which we have sometimes turned on the powerful sins which have asserted their mastery over us. WE have seen the ruin to which they were bringing us, we have winced at the shame and indignation which they were causing to others, we have felt insulted and outraged in any lingering sense of honour and nobility that may have escaped the general wreck, and we have turned on our tormentors. We have signed the pledge against the use of intoxicants, we have taken a solemn oath never more to yield to our besetting sin, we have vowed that we will be free. But within a month we have been back in the old state. It has not gone better with us than with Israel, for this battle is not to the strong, nor this race to the swift.

~Meyers, F. B.

of Hannah, Mother of Samuel

Unanswered yet? Faith cannot be unanswered,
Her feet were firmly planted on the Rock;
Amid the wildest storms she stands undaunted,
Nor quails before the loudest thundershock.
She knows Omnipotence has heard her prayer,
And cries "It shall be done" sometime, somewhere.

~Browning

how far backward

is this how far we've come?
from reading and dying and loving
to not even caring to try for appreciation.
apparently i've gone backwards in her eye.
has my love become commonplace.
reached a perceptivity threshold
the amount of love must be ever increasing
so that she can tell it's still there at all?
~yet she knows more than she thinks she does~
she says she doesn't know me.
because i don't respond as she thinks i should
so she thinks she is doing everything wrong
so she thinks i don't love all that she does
?..?..?
maybe i honestly haven't figured
out how to express much genuine
thanks over the airwaves.
maybe i didn't know that spoken
thanks was not enough
proof that i loved everything.
~yes she still knows more than she thinks she does~
the best i've ever done is not notice
just pass over her attempts?
this hurts more than her not noticing
me at all, so long ago.
this hurts worse than the game the man
the untimely death the no way.
then she only passed over me
now she knows so much of me
and passes over my attempts to affirm her.

she doesn't thank me for the jos
yes i'm expected to thank her for
a gift that had an unfortunate fate?
i've always done my best to praise her
for sharing and for being honest
but apparently all i've ever done is
"nothing but silence from him in return. no words come from his lips to lift me back up. nothing. quiet."
she hates me for putting her life
before her love for me.
in an ideal world no one would
require sustenance for living
nothing but love.
but here she must eat
to stay alive and yet
she hates me for wanting
that for her.
i pray that she will be able to believe me when i tell her how much it means to me that she is actually eating again.
~yet she knows more than she thinks she does~
she sees that i love my sister.
oh good. at least i know that i'm loving someone correctly.
where IS that line precious?
to love you like i do her brings us too far.
i am barely surviving the distance as it is
any more intense emotion and i'd be gone.
it's the family first and until then i'd rather
play it safe and trust that
God will provide what you
can't receive from me.
~do you know more now that you thought you did~
do you realize
that you are still here
that i am still here
that we are still working things out
do you realize
that you have the most beautiful face. (partial credit to the flaming lips. full credit to God)
do you realize
that we are so close to each other that something this small causes the relationship to rock and move?
i think that as long as we understand that we'll have misunderstandings are are committed to working them out,
this is the best news yet: we are affected by little things in between us, we realize the need for intimacy and are unsettled when that is not full and complete.
praise to the Lord the Almighty
for sustaining us.
and please,
keep letting me in.
and please,
you're gonna have to be patient with me.