...

if i am silent i hope it's because i am praying,
about next month, about next year.
if i am not online i hope it's because i am working,
on school, on growing.

1 month. until then...
three dots stand for three words...
from my heart to yours...

still

again: i feel a sort of pity for blogger.
the worst slash weakest moments it sees,
worried, most likely―”will they work it out?
will they even survive?? will they post ever again!?”
an yet, we work things out―so far, Gracefully.
no electronic record of such happenings...apologies al gore.
but our hearts is where it matters, and that is where we make up.

what else rhymes with love?
the dove from above is overused.
an inexact rhyme just doesn’t move
other words are too harsh
i’m searching for the antithesis of shove
too many cheesy lines fill my mind
like: “3 times, straight to my glove,
heidi, you are out.
out of this world.”

(like you said, “def melted sharp cheddar.”)

God, we acknowledge You as the One who is guarding and guiding us,
to You we look for direction―how fast? how far? how Father, how?

in pain

"and one of my good friends made me a whole pan of made-from-scratch brownies, and a dvd of him making them. even now, it makes me laugh thinking about it."

"i cry about those little korean kids who had to go back to homes they were not safe in. homes that they could not have fun in. and i cry at the fact that i may never see them ever again."

[after reading your blog for the first time ever. 2-3-08]
you said you weren't needed
and weren't close to any friend.
but i need you more than ever
or i need to find an end.
you cry out. i stifle and smother
i'm not God so not my place
but you curse Him for desertion
because no one looks you in the face
you question, you rhyme and sob
"am i His instrument?" i wonder.
"thru me He shows His love and care?
is waiting my biggest blunder?"
good friend? i can be the best.
smile? i can make you laugh.
reaching out? i can pull you up.
lost? walk with me this path.
i'm fighting myself
trying to act right
i want you to know
but i don't think you should
i want just to tell you
but would that be good?
moments like these
make me wanna hold your hands
make me search for your deep eyes
finding she who understands
it's your laughs
not your looks
it's your commitments
not completions
it's your abstinence
not abilities
you are beautiful to me.

[tonight, knowing that nothing is wrong between us, i'm just feeling...well, in pain]
oh and after all of this, i can be so discouraged.
oh and after all He has done, i can be so down.
i almost cried again tonight...
something i haven't done
since the 25th, since
the game
the untimely death of
no way
the man

i say i'm not worried, but is this a manifestation?
i say i am trusting, but does this show my weakness?

[my first response, so late that night. 2-25-08]
"and i’m lost and scared because this is for real
and it’s not solely me scribbling words on a paper
it’s life and it’s ?love? - is that what it’s called?"

[tonight, wondering why i question things/God]
God, i can't believe brought me almost a year,
"us" aside, God, i'm able to see what You've done,
i'm grateful and anxious, because i'm still blind.
can we hold hands while in Your hands, Lord?
can i lead in the dark, can i step out into...

[matt redman]
Your blood speaks a better word
than all the empty claims I`ve heard upon this earth
speaks righteousness for me
and stands in my defense
Jesus it`s Your blood
Your cross testifies in grace
tells of the Father`s heart to make a way for us
now boldly we approach
not by earthly confidence
it`s only Your blood

[you, on why i shouldn't like you. 2-24-08]
"if i were to keep this hidden, i would trample on
your precious, fragile heart as i always do. and i would hurt you."

[3 days ago when i came down on you for leaving as i returned. 1-8-09]
so why does it hurt that you left? (referring to when i came back and you left)
i knew you didn't want it either, so why did i make it worse when i posted those things and even the other night when i said those things that more or less questioned your love?
because it takes you till now to tell me that it was hurting you as much as it was hurting me. [referring to your email sharing your journal]

what's that? you know what i would say?! [also in reference to that email/journal]
just lik eyou knew (99.9%) that i wanted to karaoke with you?
in the same way, you are sure you know what i would say to you if you told me to make my life's decisions in the correct time without being rushed by you. ha. were these the answers you predicted, oh gifted intuitor:
-i love you (and not jobs/careers)
-you would be by my side, till death...don't make my career (into) my life
-who dictates God's plans, ways, or will but God Himself...none.

so, heididear, what is hurting you right now?
can i know so that i won't have to write this again in 2 months?


[now]
and here i am.
STILL making things hard.
STILL wondering if you are feeling the same but i won't know it till later.
STILL knowing that i will see you face-to-face and this issues in my head will melt.
STILL trusting (or what i hope to be trust)
STILL.
still.

{and as much as i wish it were true, even what we said tonight about husbands and wives rings in my eyes as i see how much we've learned since:

But maybe all of this could be fixed with three simple words.

Not 'as you wish'.

Not in french.

Not in Spanish.

But to your face.

since, though i love you more now than i ever have, not everything was fixed. nor will it ever be. nor do i truly desire that. only to live my life like He desires. to be with you if He desires. to love Him (and you) with a love that He has crushed me with. and i think there is room 42.}