oh, Canada (part I)

just all of a sudden
and out of the blue
i hated this summer
just because of you.

the call was first good news
but then i heard yours
you here but i’m long gone
spent with two-by-fours.

this is the beginning
of coming to grips
with thousands of miles
dividing our…

you don’t know how torn up
i am about this
phones can’t fix the space gap
not words, not a…

the swells of emotion
have come and they go
but love is a process
with lessons you know.

“the summer is stupid”
agreed and concur
but loyalty, trusting,
and growth can occur.

and what if this summer
is meant to divide
to bring us to Himself
for He’s on our side.


(i know it’s not over
we will struggle still
but praise to the Beauty
who keeps us in His will.)

but for her??

i know You care about me
but because You love her
please show me what i must do
i’d like to know so that she
won’t have to bleed her heart
waiting for me.
if plans are in place to separate us
i submit but remember Your daughter,
she’s wanting to serve You
but stuck waiting on me.
and i'm waiting on You
also wanting to serve.
and we love. help us love You.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb my perfect spotless righteousness

so worst comes first.
in that scenario―
it leaves a chasm. a void.
and (not to box You in) my lesson is sole reliance
and sole dependence on You.

the best we’ll take next.
it happens and golly!!
it’s more than i’d thought; shames my dreams
and Your lesson to me: You’re awesome
more powerful and amazing than i could ever
even know!! forever!!

but even if neither happens shouldn’t i still rely on awesome LORD God?? my perception of Him doesn’t change who He is: the I AM.

~~~

so far away.
and though i can call you,
it’d only be to talk. not walk.
and even if i’d drive,
drive thousands of miles to walk,
we still seem far away.
when i hug you it almost intensifies the distance.
because when you are close it clarifies how far
how far we’ve to go.
but You can take us there.
and You can get us there.
not on our own strength or plans.
on those we get no where.

they say love is a miracle.
i say “ha, hardly.”
it’s His Love that’s miraculous!!
loving us despite our attempts at love.
despite the attempts that we feebly entertain towards each other rather than focusing our attention on Him!!
His Love though we just love.
His Love for us, though we love ourselves.

so i see that’s the case. and though i’m dying to, Lord, i can’t make more excuses, You’ve exposed all my ploys. i want her now, Lord, which is why i must wait. it’s You, Lord, Your time, reveal and direct. You tell me, but i’m deaf. You show me, but i’m blind. You touch me, but i’ve leprosy. Please Lord, make me. not defiant or rebelling, i’m just human and confused. Lord search me and Lord know me. Make me to be Yours.

~~~

To not know what will happen
forces my dependence on You.
as does the question of “her.”
so I acknowledge that You know best
and try to learn the lesson to the fullest
patiently watching and hoping
that my trusting in You for the future of me
might help to include her in this future of we.

~~~

is this too fast
all emotions blur
i know i feel love
but at this speed
is it growing for real
or because of...reciprocity??
do our actions reflect
our experiential knowledge
or just the stance of our hearts??
my heart wants you―on my shoulder
my head says, “wait―before you hold her”
reckless heart of mine you kill yourself
bring out the suave, the smart, the smooth
while my spiritual head wonders if
i shouldn’t instead, hang back a while longer.
it’s you left hanging now,
hurting later or happy forever.
precious votes yay??
precious, what do you say??

~~~
it’s the most mind-boggling, self-fulfilling, self-defeating, overwhelming, contusion-inducing, insight-producing, kind of a thing.
for me, for now it frustrates. it gratifies but tantalizes. it’s within reach but i can’t grasp it.

~~~

idkidkidk but if i did, the sun would shine a little brighter each and every day. and if i knew, the good in life would be a little sweeter and the bad would be a little less noticeable. for with you, i can see why we try. and the motivation to live for Him presses a little harder...for only He could give you to me. and only He could work out where we’d be.
so as of yet. here. stuck and stagnant in their eyes we must strain to
...listen.
and we must be called ignorant and stupid to
...see.


it’s You, Lord, Your time, reveal and direct. You tell me, but i’m deaf. You show me, but i’m blind. You touch me, but i’ve leprosy. Please Lord, make me.

my muscles stiff and sore from much use while boarding.
my brain is as well.
my heart beats just the same as it always did, but now it beats for someone and when you are not here it is heavy with regret. of things left unsaid. of things that were said.

when i hugged you
you let your head rest
upon my quivering chest
i panicked and pulled away
i didn’t know what to say
too lofty for words so i let my hand trail off your back―straining. staining.

resolve me to You please

i can’t organize my thoughts.
comes out jumbled lines and dots.
everything i say is repetition,
all i do under suspicion.
??simplified:
stepping back - it’s me in pain
standing here - my pause, your bain
stepping up - God’s plan in vain

i just don’t know - am dying to.
i also know - you’re dying too.
to my love show - i’m dying to.
allowed to grow - brings one from two.

you say i fade, behind His face
no doubt a blessing of His grace
i wish the same for me were true
but blind to both, to Him to you.
to serve Him, must i sacrifice you??
to love you, i must be sacrificed too.

even in this greyhound of voices
You have the power to speak to me
i pray that You will show me how
to gently lead with truth then love
more than a man, Your child i must be
“just more than friends”?? how can i be
anything to her if You’re ALL that we need

tell me it’s foolish to think i
can serve You with less a distraction―
her by my side. i’d love to step
forward but how unloving that’d be―
taking Your time and saying, “all about me.”
“Deny yourself and follow Me!!”
but God don’t let me hurt her,
You know what i want, i want to fulfill.
to complete and to hold.
her hopes and deep dreams.
take hold of my will.
i can’t help but desire to show her why me.

how about You show me.
exactly what You want me to see.
ok. i’ll be watching You.

a gaping hole

[i'm breaking and burning you. so far from intent.]

again, i should be sleeping, but then i’d forget this depression.
as usual, left waiting, wondering, and wanting confession.
if i sleep and wake to see you in class
i’ll forget and forgive because of your face
because of your grace, i’ll wonder how shallow
how trifling i was. how worried over nothing.
how controlling and demanding.
but right now i am distraught.
why would you allow me to hurt so
why do you leave me to die so
why won’t you love me pronto
so as i fall asleep, i beg God in prayer,
“i’ve given too much. i’ve offered her what is Yours.
i’ll suffer whatever the pain but just the necessary please.
she loves You. do i follow my heart??
is that her since she has it??
is that You since you made it??
is that me since You’ve yet to reveal it??"

i’m stumbling around with a gaping hole in my chest.
do i serve You elsewhere though i have no heart.
or do i assume my call is to she who controls the beat.
snatch it away from her, be it right, for i’m too weak.
to follow You. to love You. is that why she holds it.
is that what i must do. follow the leading of the possessor.
is that the will of the Creator. the Sustainer. the Savior.

broken on my knees

i know You are the calmer of the storm.

but right now the waters are strangely and unsettlingly still. and I don’t know which direction to head.

i love You, Lord. i want to serve and just like her i will go wherever. i will go anywhere. i will go everywhere. i will go. but show me what and make it clear for i am slow and blind and sinful.

i stumble about, feebly trying to obey and use Your Word as a lamp unto my path. i keep looking over my shoulder as You tell me to faith fall. i just continue knocking at a door that You meant for me to walk through months ago.

the pressure is on. and it’s stifling me. it’s smothering me. it’s strangling me. but it’s softening me. to Your presence. to Your will. i now accept it, i know desire it, i know am desperate to know just what it is.

she’s so dedicated to You. and like a boy, i am trailing after her. do ALL that You must to force me to obey You and Your will, not me and my wishes.

if that means that i stumble into Your arms whilst diving for hers, that’s grand. but if rather You choose to plant her far away and safe away from me, that You may finally have my attention, i submit to that too.

i can think of ways to “prove” my love to her. many many ways. too too many ways. ways that are noble, ways that are childish, ways that exceed every and all done before. but to You, Lord, what’s left?? how have i shown YOU i care?? i love you, you died, and with me on Your mind!! so if i do love and it’s You more than her, what can i do?? what are some real ways?? 

“keep My commandments” and “love your neighbor as yourself” 

but i’m a loopholer and a dang good one at that. the commandment i keep is to never murder and to keep that Sabbath holy. ha. and the neighbor that i love is the one i’d really like to love. “she’s my neighbor, she needs my love” i say and always rationalize. but then i realize: love’s not love when it’s easy. and love’s not love when it’s always beneficial.

love is real and love is LOVE when it’s difficult, when it demands the last thing you wanted it to. love is alive when it hurts you to do and when you’d rather just give up.

sometimes love is being with her. sometimes love is leaving her. and ALLtimes love is giving her to the Maker.

so we don’t know what’s best and we don’t know what’s right and we don’t know to stop and we always pick a fight.

but surrender and allowance is what You demand. You decree what is good and You are true and full Love. embodiment of, You sent Your One Son. He gave and He gave and then with nothing else left, He said, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what love is.” and He died. dead. forsaken. and left on a tree. that’s what my sin did. for all eternity.

You sighed and then we, now justified, timidly come to the throne room of God. hiding and cowering, Lord God, this is me!! it’s me and my sin, but look see who i’m with?? it’s Jesus, Your Son, and He says i’ve been freed.

i don’t know and i’m scared but.

and then You point next to me. 

and who could it be but she.

and You laugh right out loud. and You slap Your (anthropomorphic) knee. wiping Your eyes You say, “never doubt Me. I said that I care. and what I meant by that was, I care about you and what’s best for your lives. I waited for you to let go and let Me, but resistant and resilient you held out for long. so to weakness I brought you and in weakness you came. remedy’s age-old but it always works well. now look and see the plans that I have ready for you!! I’m excited that, finally ready, you gave it all up. and now that that’s done you can live off of this: a poor, humble servant. a carpenter’s boy. a teacher of fishers, a man always mocked. a Rabboni to her, and a fool to some. but the King of all kings and the Lord of all lords and the Messiah, the Lamb to become the fierce Lion!! the Alpha Omega, the Word from all time. Firstborn of all new creation, at the right hand of YHWH. 

and here i stand asking, “is she right for me?? should i go to college?? what’s to be my degree??”

smiling still smiling, with nail-holes still fresh, He looks down at me and nods back to You, and He picks us both up and says, 

“Behold, you will call a nation, which you do not know.

and that nation will come, though they do not know you.

and all this because I AM is your God. the Holy One.

and because only by Him and through Me, you have been glorified.”

truly they are. truly (and infinately) higher are Yours. my thoughts are below. and my ways are beneath. Your ways are above. and Your thoughts are on high.

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