a gaping hole

[i'm breaking and burning you. so far from intent.]

again, i should be sleeping, but then i’d forget this depression.
as usual, left waiting, wondering, and wanting confession.
if i sleep and wake to see you in class
i’ll forget and forgive because of your face
because of your grace, i’ll wonder how shallow
how trifling i was. how worried over nothing.
how controlling and demanding.
but right now i am distraught.
why would you allow me to hurt so
why do you leave me to die so
why won’t you love me pronto
so as i fall asleep, i beg God in prayer,
“i’ve given too much. i’ve offered her what is Yours.
i’ll suffer whatever the pain but just the necessary please.
she loves You. do i follow my heart??
is that her since she has it??
is that You since you made it??
is that me since You’ve yet to reveal it??"

i’m stumbling around with a gaping hole in my chest.
do i serve You elsewhere though i have no heart.
or do i assume my call is to she who controls the beat.
snatch it away from her, be it right, for i’m too weak.
to follow You. to love You. is that why she holds it.
is that what i must do. follow the leading of the possessor.
is that the will of the Creator. the Sustainer. the Savior.