degrees of expression

(written 8-26-08)

what are my emotions right now??

[not that emotions are the basis for this relationship.
since i believe that love must act more than feel
since the feeling is self-love and the act is self-denying]

but anyway, my emotions:
i’m excited when i’m around you,
and about you when i’m not.

i always want to say more,
and i think i’ll always want to.
i just don’t see myself
ever being able to fully express
just how much you mean to me.

(do others run into this
is it because of the Fall
or are you really just too amazing for words??)

i can’t think of an analogy that fits us

but it’s almost like:
i grabbed an arrow from my quiver and for the first time had a bow with which to shoot.
i finally have paper to color with my crayons.

maybe it’s more like:
i was driving at night, then you turned my lights on.
i bit into life, but then you came along and took the wrapper off.

it’s sorta like:
i’d been talking to a recording my whole life.
i’d been playing guitar hero
(but with you, there’s not just 5 buttons, you showed me that life is made out of wood and steel rather than just plastic. you can’t always choose easy and there are no cheat codes)

you are my umbrella you are my one ticket you are the wind in my sails you are the whirlpool in my tub you are my sunglasses yet also my headlamp

I John 3

See what kind of love the Father has freely givento us, that we should be called children of God! and we are! the world does not know us because it did not know Him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see him as He is. Everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.
Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask, because we obey His commands and do what pleases Him. And this is His command: to believe in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us. Those who obey His commands live in Him, and He in them. And this is how we know that He lives in us: We know it by the Spirit He gave us.

forever love feels like

my mind is blank
this guitar noise
coarsing through my head
is not clarifying
what i should be doing
with and for you.

for it comes down to this
i don’t know what forever love feels like.
i can say i love you
but i’ve problems and sins
and honestly i don’t know
what it takes to love someone. forever.
but i know you deserve life-time love
which is why i ask that your Savior comes first.
because as much as i do love you,
i’ve never died for you, nor come back to life
and just see His true promises!!
constant support. He’ll love and He’ll cherish
‘till death...brings you even closer than life.

yet on this earth and very best i can
i desire to devote … [will finish in person some other time]

was it really six months.
what were those feelings.
how how how faithful He is.
and just so you know:

if i went blind, your laugh would be the most beautiful thing about you.
if i went deaf, your smile would be the most gorgeous
and if i went mute, i’d kill myself if i’d never told you these things face-to-face.

i'm not so sure

"clingy" ??
no.

clingy is the girl who has no girlfriends.
clingy is the girl whose guy carries her more than she walks.
clingy is the girl whose moods are dictated by her guy's fbook status.
clingy is the girl who's so insecure that her guy's frown at her or smile at another is enough to destroy her suffering self image.

besides, if you ARE clingy, i think i might just maybe sorta kinda need a partially clingy girl.

with no veil

all those things i wrote then
all true and i meant every word.
but how much more true now
what did i know then
about you about my love,
nothing much―
―and “everything” that now i know
will soon be far-eclipsed
as God allows the ins and outs of your heart to be revealed.

*i laid my pen down but now i raise it again*

how foolish of me to be content with “learning your heart!!”
how can our hearts stay in His will
when we don’t commit to learning
HIS ins and outs.
we must no longer be content
with what we know, what we have always known.
He’s bigger, greater, more complex then we’d ever know
and won’t it make a love song to Him all the more meaningful
when we actually know Him!?!?

more than blind posts on a blog.
more than poems.
more than phone calls and email.
but face-to-face with no veil.

For His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. By these He has given us very great and precious promises, so that through them you may share in the divine nature, escaping the corruption that is in the world because of evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with goodness, goodness with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with godliness, godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with LOVE. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they will keep you from being useless or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. The person who lacks these things is blind and shortsighted, and has forgotten the cleansing from his past sins. Therefore, brothers, make every effort to confirm your calling and election, because if you do these things you will never stumble. For in this way, entry into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be richly supplied to you.

yes, we are Yours.
though our hearts beat faster the closer they are, we want them to carry the rhythm set by Your Son.
teach us ALL the definitions of love.

june 30th, 2008

love.
it tears my heart out.
it rips the very thing it comes from, up into little pieces.
scattered in the places that remind me of you.
it forces me to set you aside,
to submerge myself in work
because to face your face
to see your eyes
to hear your voice
to speak to you
dashes the part of me that feels
and dashes it on the hardest of grounds.
but the more pain i take
the more sure i am that it’s you.
how could my soul take this
if i liked you for your churning eyes
if i liked you for your untouched hands
if i liked you for your tastes and styles
if i liked you for anything or everything but you??
i love you.
because you’re worth it.
because you’re godly.
because you’re LOVEly.
because you are-
-what i can’t live without.

phase one:
}BE{ without you.
i’ve BEEN and i’m not the same.
i’m hurting and longing and searching.
i see your picture and i read your words
and i sense us together. together forever.

the distance makes us stronger
the elastic stretching thick
the further the longer the surer i am.

phase two:
}BE{ with you.
BEING an item a couple a team
i want to try serving and leading with you.
to see if we chafe to see if we gel.
annoyed or encouraged
restricting rewarding.

close quarters quiet qualms.

so will you stand by me??
so will you serve by me??
so will you stand to see??