in the song
of all songs:
chapter 4
verse 7
THAT is what i want to say
to tell you
to tell the world
to impress upon you.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
skypoo
skype.
it's like the friend who lingers on.
the third wheel slightly relied on.
we speak through space waves
instantly not taking many days.
but oh, what a bittersweet friend!
such a help or hurt based on the end.
i look through skype's eyes to yours
from which a small trickle pours
and though your head is now blocks
skype still finds a way and mocks
by making the tears distinctly smooth
so horribly cruel since i lose
all ability to comfort or encourage
and must instead turn the page
and wait for you to recover. like lag.
since all i can do is wipe with a rag
the part of the screen shining your smile
and push the dirt to the corners in a pile.
skype brings us so close but also
retains a questionably false hope.
sometimes emphasizes the distance
other times hides and listens
but however much skype helps me
i'll be glad to be free
free to wipe away tears
free to wipe away dirt
free to love you
free to not be alone.
it's like the friend who lingers on.
the third wheel slightly relied on.
we speak through space waves
instantly not taking many days.
but oh, what a bittersweet friend!
such a help or hurt based on the end.
i look through skype's eyes to yours
from which a small trickle pours
and though your head is now blocks
skype still finds a way and mocks
by making the tears distinctly smooth
so horribly cruel since i lose
all ability to comfort or encourage
and must instead turn the page
and wait for you to recover. like lag.
since all i can do is wipe with a rag
the part of the screen shining your smile
and push the dirt to the corners in a pile.
skype brings us so close but also
retains a questionably false hope.
sometimes emphasizes the distance
other times hides and listens
but however much skype helps me
i'll be glad to be free
free to wipe away tears
free to wipe away dirt
free to love you
free to not be alone.
at freakin
00:09
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
OK
ok, i'm ready for normalcy.
two weeks is too long,
two months is ridiculous.
right as we need to work things out
right as things are all pressing
this, then that, then this again.
and i've been rationalizing,
reschedulizing, and pushing-asiding.
i've avoided learning from it
i've avoided God's lessons relating to it
so how can i expect to move forward?
Lord would you help me see?
could You help me to be changing
is it too late to start truly seeking.
i am still tired but ready
ready to serve on my own
from scratch if need be,
please provide me with necessities.
i see so many opportunities
and i'm lost within my own naivety.
i trust that You will properly place me
my faith grows daily, please confirm it.
i want to tell my story of You.
two weeks is too long,
two months is ridiculous.
right as we need to work things out
right as things are all pressing
this, then that, then this again.
and i've been rationalizing,
reschedulizing, and pushing-asiding.
i've avoided learning from it
i've avoided God's lessons relating to it
so how can i expect to move forward?
Lord would you help me see?
could You help me to be changing
is it too late to start truly seeking.
i am still tired but ready
ready to serve on my own
from scratch if need be,
please provide me with necessities.
i see so many opportunities
and i'm lost within my own naivety.
i trust that You will properly place me
my faith grows daily, please confirm it.
i want to tell my story of You.
at freakin
00:36
Monday, April 26, 2010
on 1 Samuel 4
Such has been the spirit in which we have sometimes turned on the powerful sins which have asserted their mastery over us. WE have seen the ruin to which they were bringing us, we have winced at the shame and indignation which they were causing to others, we have felt insulted and outraged in any lingering sense of honour and nobility that may have escaped the general wreck, and we have turned on our tormentors. We have signed the pledge against the use of intoxicants, we have taken a solemn oath never more to yield to our besetting sin, we have vowed that we will be free. But within a month we have been back in the old state. It has not gone better with us than with Israel, for this battle is not to the strong, nor this race to the swift.
~Meyers, F. B.
~Meyers, F. B.
at freakin
16:11
of Hannah, Mother of Samuel
Unanswered yet? Faith cannot be unanswered,
Her feet were firmly planted on the Rock;
Amid the wildest storms she stands undaunted,
Nor quails before the loudest thundershock.
She knows Omnipotence has heard her prayer,
And cries "It shall be done" sometime, somewhere.
~Browning
Her feet were firmly planted on the Rock;
Amid the wildest storms she stands undaunted,
Nor quails before the loudest thundershock.
She knows Omnipotence has heard her prayer,
And cries "It shall be done" sometime, somewhere.
~Browning
at freakin
15:26
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
how far backward
is this how far we've come?
from reading and dying and loving
to not even caring to try for appreciation.
apparently i've gone backwards in her eye.
has my love become commonplace.
reached a perceptivity threshold
the amount of love must be ever increasing
so that she can tell it's still there at all?
~yet she knows more than she thinks she does~
she says she doesn't know me.
because i don't respond as she thinks i should
so she thinks she is doing everything wrong
so she thinks i don't love all that she does
?..?..?
maybe i honestly haven't figured
out how to express much genuine
thanks over the airwaves.
maybe i didn't know that spoken
thanks was not enough
proof that i loved everything.
~yes she still knows more than she thinks she does~
the best i've ever done is not notice
just pass over her attempts?
this hurts more than her not noticing
me at all, so long ago.
this hurts worse than the game the man
the untimely death the no way.
then she only passed over me
now she knows so much of me
and passes over my attempts to affirm her.
she doesn't thank me for the jos
yes i'm expected to thank her for
a gift that had an unfortunate fate?
i've always done my best to praise her
for sharing and for being honest
but apparently all i've ever done is
"nothing but silence from him in return. no words come from his lips to lift me back up. nothing. quiet."
she hates me for putting her life
before her love for me.
in an ideal world no one would
require sustenance for living
nothing but love.
but here she must eat
to stay alive and yet
she hates me for wanting
that for her.
i pray that she will be able to believe me when i tell her how much it means to me that she is actually eating again.
~yet she knows more than she thinks she does~
she sees that i love my sister.
oh good. at least i know that i'm loving someone correctly.
where IS that line precious?
to love you like i do her brings us too far.
i am barely surviving the distance as it is
any more intense emotion and i'd be gone.
it's the family first and until then i'd rather
play it safe and trust that
God will provide what you
can't receive from me.
~do you know more now that you thought you did~
do you realize
that you are still here
that i am still here
that we are still working things out
do you realize
that you have the most beautiful face. (partial credit to the flaming lips. full credit to God)
do you realize
that we are so close to each other that something this small causes the relationship to rock and move?
i think that as long as we understand that we'll have misunderstandings are are committed to working them out,
this is the best news yet: we are affected by little things in between us, we realize the need for intimacy and are unsettled when that is not full and complete.
praise to the Lord the Almighty
for sustaining us.
and please,
keep letting me in.
and please,
you're gonna have to be patient with me.
from reading and dying and loving
to not even caring to try for appreciation.
apparently i've gone backwards in her eye.
has my love become commonplace.
reached a perceptivity threshold
the amount of love must be ever increasing
so that she can tell it's still there at all?
~yet she knows more than she thinks she does~
she says she doesn't know me.
because i don't respond as she thinks i should
so she thinks she is doing everything wrong
so she thinks i don't love all that she does
?..?..?
maybe i honestly haven't figured
out how to express much genuine
thanks over the airwaves.
maybe i didn't know that spoken
thanks was not enough
proof that i loved everything.
~yes she still knows more than she thinks she does~
the best i've ever done is not notice
just pass over her attempts?
this hurts more than her not noticing
me at all, so long ago.
this hurts worse than the game the man
the untimely death the no way.
then she only passed over me
now she knows so much of me
and passes over my attempts to affirm her.
she doesn't thank me for the jos
yes i'm expected to thank her for
a gift that had an unfortunate fate?
i've always done my best to praise her
for sharing and for being honest
but apparently all i've ever done is
"nothing but silence from him in return. no words come from his lips to lift me back up. nothing. quiet."
she hates me for putting her life
before her love for me.
in an ideal world no one would
require sustenance for living
nothing but love.
but here she must eat
to stay alive and yet
she hates me for wanting
that for her.
i pray that she will be able to believe me when i tell her how much it means to me that she is actually eating again.
~yet she knows more than she thinks she does~
she sees that i love my sister.
oh good. at least i know that i'm loving someone correctly.
where IS that line precious?
to love you like i do her brings us too far.
i am barely surviving the distance as it is
any more intense emotion and i'd be gone.
it's the family first and until then i'd rather
play it safe and trust that
God will provide what you
can't receive from me.
~do you know more now that you thought you did~
do you realize
that you are still here
that i am still here
that we are still working things out
do you realize
that you have the most beautiful face. (partial credit to the flaming lips. full credit to God)
do you realize
that we are so close to each other that something this small causes the relationship to rock and move?
i think that as long as we understand that we'll have misunderstandings are are committed to working them out,
this is the best news yet: we are affected by little things in between us, we realize the need for intimacy and are unsettled when that is not full and complete.
praise to the Lord the Almighty
for sustaining us.
and please,
keep letting me in.
and please,
you're gonna have to be patient with me.
at freakin
18:28
Monday, March 8, 2010
journal entry from august 12, 2007
What can I give you since you
won't take my heart??
What can I show you proving
love from the start??
won't take my heart??
What can I show you proving
love from the start??
at freakin
14:36
Monday, March 1, 2010
responses to the lessons learned
1. especially be aware that i blindly think that everyone else should think she’s just as cool as i do.
2. just treating you to a different smile. Variety makes the world go round…right? (does this one affect #23?)
3. true. Brilliant insight. Story to go along with: I see it as that nasty trick where you trick someone into holding a bowl of water against the ceiling with a broomstick and then laugh as no one else takes it from them so that have to keep standing there or else the bowl will fall. Kids are bowls of water to me. That’s why I say I hate broomsticks. Wait, I’m confused now.
4. you forgot pig liver. And I would at least try kimchi, especially if you like it and say it has good spices on it. Oh, and hard cookies, if you make them.
5. another truly inspired connection with the ironic hate of feet love of shoes. Or IS is ironic?
6. true.
7. could this be compared to winning the lottery? Not good at writing songs nor winning the lottery, but when he does either, it’s great!! Ha…
8. true.
9. true.
10. thank you Heidi.
11. i’m sorry Heidi. (with respect to lost skype time that you might have in the back
of your mind with this one)
12. denial.
13. true. But another ironic one. At least when it comes to YOUR hair and … uh, well,
you know.
14. or perhaps even die regretting it.
15. the desert must be dustier and the snow whiter.
16. you got me.
17. unless you speak of a Korean crowd. In which case I might get randomly hugged!! <3
18. denial.
19. true. Just ask jesi the cheater.
20. *forgets how to read and write and type*
21. denial. *hidden smirk*
22. and yet somehow you make me go ever so weak at the knees.
23. and never have I met a lady so OVERLY-deserving of every ounce of it. And I despair as I look at you and then see the many gallons I have spilt on the ground. And grimace as I allow God to put lotion on my rough spots. The back of my hand may be smooth but I still have large calluses on my palms.
~~heidi, so thoughtful, so flattering, so gracious of you. My heart WAS moved (emphasis because of my words about male emotion) and I thank you for your words. I pray for you and our relationship, asking God to lead our hearts correctly.
With hope that I write more soon,
Truly yours.
2. just treating you to a different smile. Variety makes the world go round…right? (does this one affect #23?)
3. true. Brilliant insight. Story to go along with: I see it as that nasty trick where you trick someone into holding a bowl of water against the ceiling with a broomstick and then laugh as no one else takes it from them so that have to keep standing there or else the bowl will fall. Kids are bowls of water to me. That’s why I say I hate broomsticks. Wait, I’m confused now.
4. you forgot pig liver. And I would at least try kimchi, especially if you like it and say it has good spices on it. Oh, and hard cookies, if you make them.
5. another truly inspired connection with the ironic hate of feet love of shoes. Or IS is ironic?
6. true.
7. could this be compared to winning the lottery? Not good at writing songs nor winning the lottery, but when he does either, it’s great!! Ha…
8. true.
9. true.
10. thank you Heidi.
11. i’m sorry Heidi. (with respect to lost skype time that you might have in the back
of your mind with this one)
12. denial.
13. true. But another ironic one. At least when it comes to YOUR hair and … uh, well,
you know.
14. or perhaps even die regretting it.
15. the desert must be dustier and the snow whiter.
16. you got me.
17. unless you speak of a Korean crowd. In which case I might get randomly hugged!! <3
18. denial.
19. true. Just ask jesi the cheater.
20. *forgets how to read and write and type*
21. denial. *hidden smirk*
22. and yet somehow you make me go ever so weak at the knees.
23. and never have I met a lady so OVERLY-deserving of every ounce of it. And I despair as I look at you and then see the many gallons I have spilt on the ground. And grimace as I allow God to put lotion on my rough spots. The back of my hand may be smooth but I still have large calluses on my palms.
~~heidi, so thoughtful, so flattering, so gracious of you. My heart WAS moved (emphasis because of my words about male emotion) and I thank you for your words. I pray for you and our relationship, asking God to lead our hearts correctly.
With hope that I write more soon,
Truly yours.
at freakin
20:39
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