Behold Him there, the risen Lamb my perfect spotless righteousness

so worst comes first.
in that scenario―
it leaves a chasm. a void.
and (not to box You in) my lesson is sole reliance
and sole dependence on You.

the best we’ll take next.
it happens and golly!!
it’s more than i’d thought; shames my dreams
and Your lesson to me: You’re awesome
more powerful and amazing than i could ever
even know!! forever!!

but even if neither happens shouldn’t i still rely on awesome LORD God?? my perception of Him doesn’t change who He is: the I AM.

~~~

so far away.
and though i can call you,
it’d only be to talk. not walk.
and even if i’d drive,
drive thousands of miles to walk,
we still seem far away.
when i hug you it almost intensifies the distance.
because when you are close it clarifies how far
how far we’ve to go.
but You can take us there.
and You can get us there.
not on our own strength or plans.
on those we get no where.

they say love is a miracle.
i say “ha, hardly.”
it’s His Love that’s miraculous!!
loving us despite our attempts at love.
despite the attempts that we feebly entertain towards each other rather than focusing our attention on Him!!
His Love though we just love.
His Love for us, though we love ourselves.

so i see that’s the case. and though i’m dying to, Lord, i can’t make more excuses, You’ve exposed all my ploys. i want her now, Lord, which is why i must wait. it’s You, Lord, Your time, reveal and direct. You tell me, but i’m deaf. You show me, but i’m blind. You touch me, but i’ve leprosy. Please Lord, make me. not defiant or rebelling, i’m just human and confused. Lord search me and Lord know me. Make me to be Yours.

~~~

To not know what will happen
forces my dependence on You.
as does the question of “her.”
so I acknowledge that You know best
and try to learn the lesson to the fullest
patiently watching and hoping
that my trusting in You for the future of me
might help to include her in this future of we.

~~~

is this too fast
all emotions blur
i know i feel love
but at this speed
is it growing for real
or because of...reciprocity??
do our actions reflect
our experiential knowledge
or just the stance of our hearts??
my heart wants you―on my shoulder
my head says, “wait―before you hold her”
reckless heart of mine you kill yourself
bring out the suave, the smart, the smooth
while my spiritual head wonders if
i shouldn’t instead, hang back a while longer.
it’s you left hanging now,
hurting later or happy forever.
precious votes yay??
precious, what do you say??

~~~
it’s the most mind-boggling, self-fulfilling, self-defeating, overwhelming, contusion-inducing, insight-producing, kind of a thing.
for me, for now it frustrates. it gratifies but tantalizes. it’s within reach but i can’t grasp it.

~~~

idkidkidk but if i did, the sun would shine a little brighter each and every day. and if i knew, the good in life would be a little sweeter and the bad would be a little less noticeable. for with you, i can see why we try. and the motivation to live for Him presses a little harder...for only He could give you to me. and only He could work out where we’d be.
so as of yet. here. stuck and stagnant in their eyes we must strain to
...listen.
and we must be called ignorant and stupid to
...see.


it’s You, Lord, Your time, reveal and direct. You tell me, but i’m deaf. You show me, but i’m blind. You touch me, but i’ve leprosy. Please Lord, make me.

my muscles stiff and sore from much use while boarding.
my brain is as well.
my heart beats just the same as it always did, but now it beats for someone and when you are not here it is heavy with regret. of things left unsaid. of things that were said.

when i hugged you
you let your head rest
upon my quivering chest
i panicked and pulled away
i didn’t know what to say
too lofty for words so i let my hand trail off your back―straining. staining.